Tara knew something was wrong when she received a phone call from her doctor. He informed her that she had tested positive for the AIDS virus. To remove any doubt, he wanted her to be retested immediately. Unfortunately, it would be impossible to get the final results before she left for Central America. Tara would be alone in a foreign country for ten days, uncertain of her future. The answers would have to wait until she returned. In the interim, she would have ample time to reflect on her feelings.

     It is always amazing how our judgments come back to haunt us. Several years before, a friend had told Tara that her son was gay. This revelation was unexpected, but Tara could accept it if that was what he wanted. However, when the possibility of AIDS arose in the conversation, Tara was surprised at her response. She became angry and defensive. If he chose a homosexual lifestyle and contracted this disease, it would be his problem. She was not willing to change her life to care for him. As it turned out, the information her friend shared was incorrect. Tara's son was not gay, nor did he have AIDS.

     Now it was Tara's turn to experience the stereotypical responses of others to this terrible virus. One friend expressed her views by saying it was Tara's fault this disaster had happened to her. She must have led a promiscuous lifestyle, inviting this disease into her body. Tara feared the response of others she had yet to tell. Would her family and friends also reject or blame her? 

     She was not sure how people would react to her situation, but she knew their response was their own decision. She had learned the hard way to love unconditionally, free from judgment. Rejection comes from fear of the unknown. It is based on a lack of understanding. No one asks for this disease, and no one deserves it. Tara would tell the truth about her diagnosis, knowing the people who stayed in her life did so out of love. Already this crisis had given Tara an opportunity to release her judgment of others.

     During this time alone, Tara experienced all the feelings associated with a HIV + diagnosis. She was numb, afraid, confused, and sad. She meditated daily, trying to release the strangling grip of fear. One day, as she rode down a Central American mountain side, Tara felt something lift from her awareness. All of a sudden, the world looked and felt different. The sky was bluer; the mountains appeared more beautiful; and the sound of the winds seemed clearer to her. She felt an incredible sense of peace. 

     In that moment, she accepted whatever might happen to her. No matter what the test result showed, she knew she would be OK. If  the second test was positive, she would go on with her life. She would dedicate herself to helping others. She could not be sure of the outcome of the test, but she knew she was safe.

     Tara continued to practice her meditation and visualization techniques. Every day she imagined her cells happy. She affirmed her Higher Power was greater than this disease. Even if the virus proved to be present in her body, she knew her body did not have to respond in the usual way. 

     She watched her thoughts carefully. When she found herself thinking in a negative way, she commanded it to stop. Immediately, she would replace those thoughts with thoughts of beauty and joy. She constantly surrounded herself with love and light.

     Tara returned to the United States and visited the clinic for her test results. The nurses greeted her with excitement. The lab had made an error on the first test. She was not HIV+. Tara's emotional state did not change much with the good  news. She already knew she was safe.

     Tara's crisis was a gift to her. It was extremely painful and difficult but the results of this experience have remained lasting. Her old ways of relating to herself and others have transformed. She no longer feels like a victim. 

     When something happens to her, she quickly puts things into perspective. She now views the actions of others from a more detached place, not taking everything so personally. She has learned that everyone has their own lessons in life. It is not always about her. She is better able to express who she is and what she needs. 

     Most importantly, this crisis gave Tara an opportunity to remember that she can trust God to guide and direct her. Many things have changed in her life, but she knows, if she will follow her heart, she will find her path.

Reverend Marty Varnadoe Dow, MSW

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